crazy dreams of mine...

The white house apology…

I’m better at words… For now.

10 minutes has passed, now it’s time to leave. I still can’t help but thinking how stupid I was just a few minutes ago while in your presence. Since then a wave of topics of conversation flood into my mind… How your big exam went last week - I already know you passed, but now harm in bringing it up again - or how about Thanksgiving, the holidays, black Friday? Not that I’m a big fan of any of those, but it could’ve started something! I continue to beat myself up as my co-worker and I head down the elevator and get out on our floor. He has one headphone in and the music very loud! I can’t help but to ask what it is he wants drowning the rest of his surroundings out. 

Turns out it’s a song done by an american, but in Hindi. That’s pretty interesting, and impressive. Most americans don’t give a shit about other cultures, so to sing a song in Hindi was pretty exciting. As I’m expressing my excitement for this phenominon, I look up to see you… Walking towards us. The hallway is shaped liked a T and we all need to head down the stick part. You take your left, and my co-worker and I make a right a few feet behind you. As soon as I saw you my words drifted and I lost all conversation with my co-worker. Luckily, he veered off into the bathroom, luckily he isn’t very observant. 

There you are, about 4-5 feet infront of me… You’re hesitating, thinking about turning around and talking, or slowing down, but you’re taking too long. Time to make up for my earlier brain farts!

I’m terrible with words…

I know you’re going to stop by, I want to listen to my music but can’t help but listen for the sound of your foot steps. They are quite distinct, if the pace was quicker I would definitely mistake you for a woman in heels. 

Finally, you arrive. I had you your materials and you take a seat next to my desk. I can’t help but think that’s weird… Sitting down to pick up papers? After your almost 3 hour meeting of sitting? As I ponder I can’t help but find my eyes drifting to your dark, plaid button up shirt. I can’t say I usually pay attention to your attire. Always jeans, always dark with your over the shoulder style bag that’s always bulging out past your hip.

A “hmmm…” escapes your lips and snatches me back to reality… “What, is there a mistake?” I ask way too quickly, and nervously. 

You examine the paper and flip through the text book before reaching a conclusion as I’m studying your face intently, “No, I’m just retarded.”

My best response - “No worries, let me know if you find anything.”

You tuck the papers in you book and look up, obviously wanting conversation, or something… I reach in my brain, nothing - Damn! There has to be something I want to ask you? Anything? I know there is… You show up in my dreams for fucks sake! I’m not fast enough, you rise from your stool casually, I know I could still prevent you from leaving, I just can’t think of how! 

An “Ok..” manages to come out from your lips… My chance is almost over! What do I say? Stay? Please? 

“Ok, have fun” I manage to choke out with a smile… What the fuck was that? Have fun? Ugh, he’s going to be teaching in the room next to you, fun, alright. I can think of more fun things. 

I now feel rushed like it might be time for my class, I gather my things and you’re slowly walking away, by the time I’ve gathered everything, you’re only a few steps outside the door, my co-worker turns from his desk asking “Is it time already?” I look up at the clock… we have 15 minutes yet… He is also teaching at the same time in another room. I stutter out a “Oh I thought it was time..” I look in the hallway, you’re half turned around, you would wait if I headed your way… I want too, but I don’t, I walk around to my work area in the room to ponder what just happened. I hear the door to the stairwell open and know you’re gone… Well, that was stellar now wasn’t it? 

I’m lost in a wreck…

I see your face approaching mine. I want to taste you, but hesitation in my mind. I have a lover, a best friend, at home and waiting. But I have no control over my voice or body, I just look at your face, always scruffy, your hair falling down over your forehead. In all honesty, you look like a wreck, a cute, adorable wreck. This is how you always look, and even as you approach I can’t seem to draw in more detail, too distracted by my nagging thoughts and the possibility of what might happen. I’m excited, anxious, I want you. I can’t deny it. Soon, you are too close for my eyes to help me any longer and your lips slowly press against mine. I am lost in your taste, your scent, in you as I drift away. All my sensations of your leaving, replaced by the rays of the sun through my bedroom window… How I wish to still be lost in you. 

The white house dream…

The sun had set and all was quiet but the random shouts of excitement and the pressing of buttons as my brother, my lover and I play a video game I cannot recall. Soon, our eyelids could no longer stand and it was time for my lover and I to retreat to our resting place. As we left my brother to dream on the couch, I, for the first time, notice how white everything is. All the walls, all the tables, everything but the TV and the huge windows surrounding the second floor. The windows acted more like mirrors at this time of night, there I am, my average self with my crazy mind. Up the stairs we disappeared.

Back down the white stairs, the white walls and windows amplifying the sun’s rays. I’m not usually a fan of the brightness the sun delivers, but this morning, it was ok. I find my brother awake and eating cereal, almost finished and ready to go another round in our game. My lover was still sound asleep, but I remembered a friend going through a hard time, and thought I may invite him over. I was more fond of him than I could admit to my brother, but he felt my fondness without any words. 

I’m on the floor, leaning up against the couch, my brother sprawled out on the floor to my right, and to my left, on the couch, there he is. Not my lover, but my secret crush. At a short break in the game, I realize it’s nearly 1:30 in the afternoon and my lover has yet to make an appearance. Right then, from behind us, he walks up. Concern obvious on his face. I jump up to introduce them - an awkward introduction it would seem. I flee, to the bathroom.

I emerge, not remembering what I just accomplished in the small, also white room. My brother and lover are on the couch, I barely glance at them. My crush is standing by the front door. I feel my lover’s eyes on me, but I ignore them, caught up in sorrow and sympathy for my crush. I walk to him, he looks upset. I ask him if he was upset, the words barely escaped me before a flow of emotion and irritation escape his mouth. He had a crush on me, all this time, that I couldn’t see. Too under-confident in myself to acknowledge his moves, he starts pointing out examples in our brief history, and it all becomes clear. I can feel myself staring at him, not knowing what to say. I’m speechless, as an overwhelming sense of sadness and regret consumes me, I wake, confused and overwhelmed with the need to apologize…